†turning back

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†

When I realized my mistakes, I started to turn back home.  I know the sun will have to go back to rest sooner or later...but I just wish somebody will shine light to my path in the midst of searching for me.

Who am I  kidding though?  I know there will nobody waiting.  Who waits for someone who has already given up on himself?

*

Five years ago, you said I would understand if I grew up. 

So I tried. 

Left behind everything I know and started climbing life, one step at a time.  I tried, but every step made it harder to breathe, every step made it harder to see, every step made life harder to live.

All of a sudden, all eyes shifted on me waiting for me to slip and fall.  I know they're waiting...because it's comforting to watch someone take the wrong turn. 

It really is..especially when they come running back to you begging for mercy.  I'm sure you've done it, it's just too simple to watch someone crumble.

*

From all I've been through, I can really say one thing I've learnt that has stuck is that people are cruel.  Nobody ever understands, so I thought I wouldn't fall to their standards.

So I put on a pair of sunglasses everywhere I go trying to hide who I am inside, changing myself completely.

I am no longer who I was, I am no longer who you thought I would become and I am no longer who I say I am.

"Who are you?" you ask...

Even you don't recognize me anymore.

I've come to realize what we say, what we do, how we act are all lies. 

Just like second chances. 

Nothing we say or do mean shit.  Maybe it's the shade of my sunglasses that makes my vision darker...but my second chance faded before I could get to it.

*

Go ahead: spit on me while I lay there in the dark- anybody else would...

Strike me with all your force until I never get back up - I won't be able to see who it is anyway...

I know you don't want me to get back up - neither do I, but I don't get to choose...

*

Someone told me I'd understand if I grew up...Maybe I'm not grown up yet - maybe that's a myth, maybe I'm not grown up yet...

But I'm turning back now hoping someone will still see good in me, hoping someone hasn't given up on me, hoping someone is still there.

*

I'm heading home now, hopefully before the sun returns to rest...

†

†from within

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†
*

Nine at night, I stick my head out to feel the ocean breeze and gaze in awe.  The purely residential roads lit up in the dark night sky as if the whole village was floating in space.  It seemed like a whole new galaxy formed as the sun crept away behind the mountains.  One light bulb, multiply it a few thousand times and watch how darkness' perception can trick you...

During the day, house after house crowded the fresh lava-resided mountains, polluting the air and the nearby river, explaining the stench lingering the air every time we drove by.  How many questions have we asked about those strange houses that we see?  Just one question and we're off to a life long journey of seeking, or are we?

**

I always tell myself that happiness comes from within, but somehow I'm beginning to doubt myself.


Driving on top of a bridge to cross over the sea, I start to realize who much nothing this world has.  Yes, we're one in a million, but in the end, are we not striving towards the same goal?


Thousands walked over you and I, without worrying if we would ever break, just like a bridge.  But without you, I feel like I'm about to crumble and fall; piece by piece into the deep blue of nothingness.


Now I'm beginning to wonder if all those times of togetherness was really worth it.  After all, I'm standing here all alone now, trying to support everything and maybe it's a little too much for me now...


I miss every single moment of the past, but time refuses to wait for anybody, not even me.  I would forfeit a lifetime just to relive random moments of the past - not for you because you're already lone gone and have probably already forgotten about everything, but for all the smiles and the joy contained within.

Because it's not love between us. Never was and never will be...it just wasn't meant to be.

***

I always tell myself to forget the past and to never look back, but how long could I lie to myself before I start to realize that nothing's working?

Bridges do need repairing once in a while...I'm sure.  Bridges fall apart once in a while...I'm pretty sure.  I've seen them on TV too!  Some even break days before their grand opening, collapse and destroy the hope of connection between two bodies.

But what does any of me, of you, of us, of this world really mean?  Are we not striving for the same goal? 

Look there:  a busy business man who can't stop to even bother looking twice.  A failed entrepreneur who searches endless to make means.  The snob family that is secured for life.  A recently widowed young lady with tears in her eyes, pretending not to be awake.  There's even the young and the restless, trying to find an answer to life.  And of course there's me...along with the rest of this world, lost and confused not knowing which direction to take.  Then there's you...never turning back to think about what you might be missing because you already know where life is bringing you...

****

Somehow there's still nobody whose afraid of walking all over a crumbling bridge.

How many secrets still sealed to those who deserve to know?  It's amazing how all of us go through the day with unanswered questions and unsolved mysteries, yet we're still busy filing in our schedules on our blackberries and calendar notepads or whatever...I don't want it.

One trip, two trips and then the trips won't stop counting itself.  It's inevitable.

You said we'd be, you said you'd be there, you said you got my back, you said you'd be back...

so save me please, because I'm still waiting.

*****

I always told myself that happiness comes from within...but maybe that's a myth after all.  

Take that myth and multiply it by billions...it'd never trick anyone.  Why can't we be happy?

†

†in control

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†

*

Everybody has a different approach to life.  Some think of life as Jello-O - cool and sweet at first taste, but once you stop caring, life melts and disappears.  Others think of it as hard candy - rough but always sweet in the end. The harder working ones like to imagine it like a grapefruit: hard and annoying, yet bitter and sloppy in the end, yet they always know what's best for them...

Every second in our lives, an uncountable amount of information is processed across the world through computers, phones, and our heads.  She slept lightly that night, waking up to every sound that rung in her ears.  She knew something was up but she could not identify the problem.

**

Every one looked for somewhere ideal to settle down, and when they do, they try their best to continue on shortly after.  They spoon themselves whatever they can get out of life, trying to be in control.  Being in control, I wonder what it's like...

As the earth revolves, countless lives are stolen for no reason for 'the sake of mankind'.  As she woke up this morning, her dreams shattered into a million pieces, never to be put back together.  As I speak now...her heart is broken as she watches him walk away, without the ability to do anything...anything at all.  Stay in control, she told herself.

***

Control is always missing.  Everything planned never goes as planned - there is no such thing as perfectly.  I wonder what's it like to feel in control, knowing that the next thing will never be as expected...

If the world chose to wait one day, maybe she would have enough time to catch up.  She summons her pride and decides to take her car instead of taking the transport...all so the she could have control.  She wants to know what control feels like, instead of handing over her control to the bus driver.  Gotta be in control, she told herself.

****

For me, life is just your first cigarette.  At first, you will cough until you choke.  You'll then proceed to try again...careful not to break the fragile cigarette and before you even get the hang of it, it'll be all over.

Even drivers don't have full control of everything.  There are the traffic lights which keep turning red as you approach one after another.  There are the cars who drive incredibly slow on a major avenue.  Then there are the hopeless who drink their lives away and decide to drive...Still in control, she told herself.

*****

I would never want to have control - imagine all the pressure put on me if I was in control.  I wouldn't even touch the dark powers that surround this globe.

Have you ever thought about your own life for a second? A fatal car crash isn't even serious anymore...at least not to us.  Death creeps upon the face of our lives, yet we continue to live on like we're invincible.  One drink too much, one toke too much, one snort too much and one second off the wheel too much.  Just watch...

One girl done and thrown out like another cigarette... control...

******

The more control we have of our lives, the less powerful we'll become...

*******

†

†what can separate us?

†
*

You ask me, "What can separate us?".  I failed to see what could.  But now I laugh, it was so obvious wasn't it? 

I gaze through the window as my train starting departing.  I was leaving that beautiful day to somewhere where I could hope to call home.  I am in discontent with where I live now.  Do you ever wonder how many times people separate from each other?

Across my train was a public-transport line.  It sped away much more quicker than my long-distance train...for some odd reason.  I peer at the commuters, not one of the smiling; it sorta reminds me of you...to be brutally honest.

I tried smiling to one of them...bad idea.  He gave me a death-stare, but she waved back.  Kind of funny how humans function.  Every person had a different reaction, some were even surprised to see me.  I guess it was kind of cute.

I thought about it...o yes I did!  I did not sleep and did not eat, just to figure it all out.  I even thought it about it as the train was leaving...not a smooth ride.  Every bump reminded me that I was the one leaving and all my mistakes.  I don't remember if I was crying or not.  The city was so pretty but I was so distracted....Sometimes I wonder if people are the same as me: once you think, your head just won't stop.  So many ideas and networking in my brain, it's so confusing.

Do you ever wonder where birds fly to?  They're always being chased by busy people just like me...Do you ever chase birds?  I wonder if  they ever fall in love...how could you fall in love if somebody's always trying to get rid of you?

It's strange how a human can even fall in love though.  I honestly thought that everything was perfect between us.  I just really don't understand what happened...Kind of funny how humans fall in love, most people don't even expect anything to last, so...why even bother?

It's really strange....did you really see that coming?  I sure didn't, haha.  Yeah, I really don't know why I'm laughing, it's not even funny.  It's actually quite fucking scary and I want to be out of this state.

 **

Do you remember that time I was standing in the storm?  That's when I realized that...maybe it's all my fault?

It was a cold, windy day.  I walked from there to the next place, wondering if life would ever pause for just one second.  Everything seemed to change before I could even open my mouth and say anything.  Kind of funny how the weather functions.  You'll never know if the forecast was telling the truth until it actually happens.

Now, everything that reminds me of you makes me shudder.  It's not even a bad thing, I'm just so afraid.  You've probably never been afraid, have you?  Everybody knew that you were like that, you must've known that you were like that yourself!

So, I'm asking...what separated us?  I really don't know.  So I traveled those lengths to try and "rediscover" myself...and what can I say?  You were right all along, I am simply nothing...

***

When the night drew near, were you waiting for me?  Did you ever tell yourself that I would come back?  I'm sorry that I'm not even sure if I want to come back now.  In fact, I'm not even sure if you would let me come back, I've been so bad...so bad.

Every city light turned off as I went by, because they knew.  They knew everything about me, but they never understood.  I think to myself every night if you even understand me.  I'm still waiting for a response by the way...

You probably do remember...and yes I'm still waiting.  I like to think that I have a little hope left.  Kind of funny how I have hope left.  It's so abstract I can't even explain it.

***

You probably heard, but one night as I went out for air to escape from everything, he appeared for company.  He asked me why....I couldn't even answer.

Because I wasn't happy and I hated it?  I guess I'm just so lost without you I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.

As I walked back to my room, I fell to the ground.  While everybody rushed to help me up, he simply crouched down and looked me straight into the eye. His glare I could not decode...was it disappointment?  Was it anger?  Jealousy?  Sympathy? Pity?

To this day, I still think about it.  Kind of funny how things can linger in your heads forever eh.  You can't really do anything about the past, but you keep thinking about it, keeping those fucking memories stuck up there.  You try everything to erase it, but you can't do it unless your hurt yourself.

I still see him once in a while...I just really want to go up to him and say, "What the fuck man?  I fall and all you do is glare?" But at the same time, I really want to know what that meant.  It's amazing how many details the eyes bear...and it's amazing how much your eye movements can define so much.  But I never saw separation from your eyes...Kind of funny...

Except...I have never seen your eyes

I could not see in the dark when I walked away.  I could not see when I hid when I was scared.  I can't explain how I could not see, I fail to comprehend not seeing.  I still cannot see.

*****

I like sky scrapers, they magnify human accomplishments and developments in this world.  Kind of funny how I think they're amazing when other people think they block the view of nature.  It reminds me of you though, towering over me, watching every single thing I do.  It scares me sometimes, but it's the truth.

But just like everybody else, I thought that I would be okay like this...

Too late to change anything now though...

Waiting for myself to find a way back to you...honestly...and I mean that in both ways, but I'm not ready yet.

****** 

Well, I guess this is goodbye.  A lot of people seem to have a lot more to do than me, so I'll just go off and pretend that I'm alright and go on with my everyday business.  There's stuff to file, stuff to fill out, stuff to study for, stuff to clean up.

The list just won't end now will it.  But hey, I think I got it all figured out now!  I hope I'm not the one to blame though.

Just like a caterpillar, I traveled thousands of meters, climbing on trees, surviving on whatever I could find.  But one day I decided I wanted to reach for the stars, I went into a cocoon, changed into those nasty white moths that come out at night and separate myself.  Once a morning crawler, now a night flyer.  I can't even believe that it was that simple.  Can you?

*******

Everyday, somebody disappears from my life and I won't even know it until it's too late.  But it's kind of funny...isn't it?  Tell me you think so.

 So, ask me again, "What can separate us?" I tell you this now: everything.  But you probably already knew that...didn't you?

******** 

†

†looking for dreams

†

* 

He sat in front of the computer, staring hopelessly into the screen, daydreaming about those dreams he once had as a child.  He picked up his sweater, his phone, a smoke and shuffled his stuff around for a lighter.  

Click click...didn't seem to work.  Damn it, where the hell did all my other lighters go?  Those darned things didn't cost at all to replace, but the nuisance it became annoying to him. Whatever...he went to his roommate's drawer, pulled it out slowly, careful not to awake the snoring thing and grabbed whatever that would ignite.

The stars stare down at the world, a world hopeless and lost.   Every night, he stared right back up hoping one day somebody would answer those questions of the unknown. But he didn't know that every time he gazed at the lights, every single one of them responded, twinkled and gave hope, but he couldn't see.

Sighing, he wondered why he was so inspired by nature, but others not.  He believed somebody out there was watching over, but what would he know about if the others disagreed.  For many years, he pondered upon reasons of life.  The very thought of the unknown attacked his life, disorganizing himself from the habitual.

Reach to the stars, your dreams wait for you to explore.

** 

Beep.

It was her again.  What now?  There was no stopping this one.  He ran and hide any moment he could.  He light his cigarette and thought about it for a second  There was no excuse for not replying anymore, he's tried so hard.  He switched his view to his phone, shining brightly in an ugly winter day.

She wrote: So...how ws ur dai?  Herd u got a assign.. due tmr.   

He really couldn't be bothered:  ye, working on it now

Beep... almost instantly, she wrote back: K sry 4 boderin u. ttyl :)

He had a dream with her, too.  If you knew about it, you'd think it's foolish.  Sometimes following your heart does no good for anybody, not even yourself.  Underneath those layers of forgiveness and understanding, revenge still shook hands with him.  It ran through his blood and thought.  Every pump of his heart, a wave of hatred ran though him.  But that was a few months ago  Every time she came in contact, he started to lose a part of what's already minimal hold on life.

He sat in a bench and looked into the darkness and meditated.  He breathed in slowly as his body heavily rose, and exhaled as everything starts rushing through his mind.   He lost control too many times.  He did the unthinkable, he went against his own values, himself. No...he didn't have a dream, not any longer.  Restore hope with optimism and watch your life crumble into bits and hit the rock, hard hell.  He saw the future, he know things that somebody above will take care of everything.  Somebody who held control on his life.

Inhale what life holds for you now. 

 ***

He felt heat at his fingers and quickly looked down: the cigarette was almost done and seven minutes passed.  Seven minutes of thought, tossed and topped to the perfection, when it shattered by a call from reality, if that's what it's called.  

There he was, back into his old position.  Staring into the colourful screen, hoping to be inspired as he groaned as he knew what he was doing will patch up those little holes left in by life.  He started working, and writing and writing.  He wants to fill his brains with whatever the world can offer, taking his mind off life.

Somewhere out there, there has to be somebody like me.  He never understood relationships and he thought the never worked out.  Nobody ever fully understood him, not like we can understand people anyway. 

 ****

Every single day, outlooks changed and the future looked so uncertain.  How could he expected to lay out the rest of his life?  It never made sense to him.  Life is like the biggest multi task...what to do...what to do...

Dreams...what makes them so abstract?

Psh, dreams...false hope.

He was thinking of the conversation with his best friend the other day.  A certain truth was revealed to him.  He'd never thought that this could be possible....but he too, probably had a dream for life.

 *****

He wanted to call her.  He needed to talk.  He craved the comfort.  It was true, he did not know how to live without her existence.  But the other half of him tranquilized his emotions and held him down before he embarked onto a journey he would regret.

He wanted to escape.  Escape a beautiful life with an utopic dream...

Why?

Because dreams change, every single moment, along side with every single person who think about a simple thing like life.

He walked slowly towards the forest that night, leaving behind his dreams, his confusions, his emptiness as these motions transfered upon another person.   He crept slowly into the darkness and disappeared.  It wasn't until a week later when this other person realized that somebody was missing...or that something was missing.

******

†  

†i know where home is

†
*
Home
**

I prepare for a journey today, to a far, far place from where I am.  Who knows what will happen the next hours or days?  I grab only what I need and begin my travel to the lands away.  As I placed my earphones in gently in my ears, the music suddenly takes over.

You can't help but feel like dancing, but there's always people watching.  So I look ahead of me in calm and peace, hoping that things will go smoothly today.  I look at those who walk in pairs and pass me by, each smiling in content for whatever they say.

They smile in content and some even held hands.  It was a nice sunny day, so why not be joyful?

I turn my eyes on those who stand, alone with nothing but doubt in their eyes....waiting to get out of there.  Where should I go? they think, I just want to get out of here.

A friend's?  The library?  Where should they go?  Home?

***

Where is home?

****

I restart my journey from the pause, embarking into the hardest part of my route: sharing.  I despise doing so, especially when you don't get much in return.  But when all is well and what's shared is shared, there's a calm lingering as people refuse their share and leave...more for me?

It's amazing how peaceful things can get, especially on a bright sunny day like that.  Suddenly, she leaves.  A lady disembarks from our mutual journey, wanting to go home.

Home at last...After all, she was away for quite a long time.

But as she entered her apartment door, on the fourteenth floor, she lay herself on the couch and put her eyes down and gazed into the t.v. Finally home.  A moment of relaxing, when suddenly she realized...there was nobody else.  Isn't home supposed to be where I'm happy?  Why can't I be happy?  She inhaled and she questioned, and exhaled as she answered.  She really didn't know...and gazed at the window, exposing a blindness she quite desired...

I wonder how confused she was, it was her who left the journey, but it's not like we would've stayed anyways. I fail to recognize any signs of weakness when I saw her...but I guess she just isn't sure.

*****

What is home?

******

As I retired my journey, yet a bit too early, I really felt like giving up and going back.  But we'll never know what we never did, so I go on, but separately from those before.  As the sun shines, heating my head, my vision becomes blurred and my head turns.

I enter and find where I'm supposed to be, but I know that this is not the end.

I will wait for what is mine, but yes, my heart does get anxious.

A man looks straight ahead with pride and arrogance, seeing me dragging my shoes in front of him.  Get out of my way he wanted, but yet I did not know.  Stupid little kids act like they're older than they are.  Well things change with time.....at least I hope.

*******

Sometimes there's doubt about what home is, but as I returned to where I came from, I see familiar faces and my heart warms.  But I don't feel it; this isn't my home.  I know I can't go back even further, because changing history can be dangerous.  I fail to see the point of doin so anyway, as my memories are horrifying but lame.  I choose to wait and see, because home, I know, seems a bit, well...weird?

********

When is home?

*********

I gaze into the tv screen and realized I forgot.  I got up and asked him all sorts of question, it was expected, I was new at this place.  "Sorry, what do I do next?"  But I know that this is all just a dream, cause this setting seems so molded to me.  He says, "Don't worry about it, I got it covered."

It's weird how things happen all of a sudden, with nothing to worry about when I trust him to get it covered.

I start to worry myself as I realized there's a catch to this though, but yet I thought it was a dream.

So I let it go and things went smoothly, but a bit rocky at first.  It was all good though, because he got it covered.

After a nice day of work, I went back home to get changed and all nice.  It was then I received a call...I rushed there.

**********

It wasn't much of a problem, except getting there.  I woke up and I walked back home.  Seemed a lot faster than what I experienced before. I called her, "I think I lost it..."  We retraced our steps and tried to find it, but alas, I just wanted to drop.

I got home and took off my shoes.  Gently lay my head down and stare into space...not knowing if all that was just a dream or not.  I tried so many times but yet I failed.  Nothing seemed to work, and there was no avoiding it.

***********

I give up and no longer want to play.  Life continues to confuse me more, so I leave your puzzles behind.  Let me go, or I'll find my way.

*************
If you could,

show me home...

and no longer bring me here.

***************
†

†change is inevitable

†

I couldn't even see the street sign as I simply sat there...sat there beings squished by people who just pass...just wanting to get the fuck out of there. Random crowds come and stay but suddenly leave. It repeats...and it repeats.

Waves of people who get in and somebody that...just get out, discovering a whole new path ahead of them.

But for me, like the few left, I trust fate will leave me wherever I belong. I sit there and think about it all: about every single thing that might happen, that might change my feelings, that might bring me joy, that might anger me, that might realize it's myself who's one of the very few still going that road...

A few enter again...but not more than what leaves...

*

A girl, in her late 20s, held a chocolate cake, with a cherry topping that tip of the deliciousness, in her hands, had a rose-filled bag along her side, as she looked for somewhere where she might settle. She thought with worry and doubt for a moment and decided to place herself behind a middle-aged lady. I stare in wonder why she would carry a bag and a cake at the same time...

Suddenly, the lady with the dark red sweater vest beside me, turns and gives me the sweetest smile a middle-aged lady might give...and she parted, leaving me behind with her news. I see her smile immediately vanish, and her stern face reappear as she left me. Maybe she wasn't as bad as I thought?

**

My classmate see me from afar and smiles. I smile back, but she suddenly disappears as people start to blind us from one another. I could no longer find her eyes to talk, but only her back as she shield herself from the others. There was something specifically special about her though. She seemed like one of power, one of independence, but if you knew her, she wasn't that way.

Make up, poorly...or purposely, but on badly around her eyes. You couldn't understand her style, even if you knew her. Her hair defined feminism, her eyes meant pain...all I could get out of there at least. But now I can't even see what I think she means...the skulls appeared on her ears, and I realized that it was too late, I guess.

**

A boy, not much older than 19, looks at me an suddenly realizes that he, like me, too, can relax my body a little tonight. He moves up, and copies my style, removing the clogs of the world. In his ears, held incomprehensible storages of life...incomprehensible to us at least. I envied, in jealousy, the emitter of this incomprehensible life, as I too, wanted to understand my life.

***

A larger, older lady walks fiercely, but with a smile, towards me. Sits herself across the girl with the chocolate cake. They talk...then the larger lady realizes that blonde lady in front of the girl were friends. All three start talking, when the girl with the chocolate cake gets up and leaves her place behind....empty.

As a girl left, a increasing chatter came from in front of the larger lady. Three young people, all well under 20, smile with joy and chat about who knows what.

****

I wonder why they come and go. I ponder upon how they came to be. I wonder what development takes place in these cases. I fail to understand how change is something we must all go through.

It takes as little time as time could exist in to change a person's life.

We see others drift in the scene, and walk away from it. We never know what they'll look like the next time we see them...if ever.

What happened in the past that molded them?

What event, what words were said, what was done to them, what they have done to others?

We all try to adapt to society...but society is so abstract...How can we adapt to society, when we are the ones that define it?

*****

As the road ahead shaped itself so wildly, I had to leave, I had to get out of there before it was too late...

I call out...

I step out...

I walk away...

Only a few left on that passage, the red pulled away...but it had to stop soon. I watched it part from residence commons.

******

Back to reality.

"Hey..."

"Hey, how are you?"

"Pretty good...you?"

"Yeah, same."

We're pretty good to be like this when we can't even fully understand ourselves.

*******

Change...

†

†love is a funny thing

†

• Love all...but I would hate you if you've done something "wrong".
• Help all...but only if it makes me feel better after helping you.
• Respect all...but I might shun you for your opinions.
• Accept all...but if your different, stay way please.

Who are we to judge...when we are the hypocrites? The biggest hypocrites on this world.

We present ourselves as loving and accepting, but we do not even respect one another...

We spit on those who block our paths to success, we disregard those in desperateness when we might have an issue, then glorify ourselves for helping others when we are "able to", we claim to be people have accomplished countless things to help the needy...yet we are the neediest...

We lie,

we give false testimony,

we are hypocrites.

We do not even look into the eyes of people who are gay, who have killed, who have stolen, who have left their family, who dress awkwardly, who talk humorously, who have not accomplished shit! Not even the eyes of those who sit and wait...waiting for you to talk...to reach out...to accept...to respect...to help...to love...

As long as their different, it doesn't matter to us anymore.

Are we not shutting close new doors to those who want it? To those who have no idea?

But it's simple to change no?

It ALLLLL starts with a four letter word.

L.o.V.e...♥

...

bullshit.

do you love me?

Think...

†