†looking for dreams

†

* 

He sat in front of the computer, staring hopelessly into the screen, daydreaming about those dreams he once had as a child.  He picked up his sweater, his phone, a smoke and shuffled his stuff around for a lighter.  

Click click...didn't seem to work.  Damn it, where the hell did all my other lighters go?  Those darned things didn't cost at all to replace, but the nuisance it became annoying to him. Whatever...he went to his roommate's drawer, pulled it out slowly, careful not to awake the snoring thing and grabbed whatever that would ignite.

The stars stare down at the world, a world hopeless and lost.   Every night, he stared right back up hoping one day somebody would answer those questions of the unknown. But he didn't know that every time he gazed at the lights, every single one of them responded, twinkled and gave hope, but he couldn't see.

Sighing, he wondered why he was so inspired by nature, but others not.  He believed somebody out there was watching over, but what would he know about if the others disagreed.  For many years, he pondered upon reasons of life.  The very thought of the unknown attacked his life, disorganizing himself from the habitual.

Reach to the stars, your dreams wait for you to explore.

** 

Beep.

It was her again.  What now?  There was no stopping this one.  He ran and hide any moment he could.  He light his cigarette and thought about it for a second  There was no excuse for not replying anymore, he's tried so hard.  He switched his view to his phone, shining brightly in an ugly winter day.

She wrote: So...how ws ur dai?  Herd u got a assign.. due tmr.   

He really couldn't be bothered:  ye, working on it now

Beep... almost instantly, she wrote back: K sry 4 boderin u. ttyl :)

He had a dream with her, too.  If you knew about it, you'd think it's foolish.  Sometimes following your heart does no good for anybody, not even yourself.  Underneath those layers of forgiveness and understanding, revenge still shook hands with him.  It ran through his blood and thought.  Every pump of his heart, a wave of hatred ran though him.  But that was a few months ago  Every time she came in contact, he started to lose a part of what's already minimal hold on life.

He sat in a bench and looked into the darkness and meditated.  He breathed in slowly as his body heavily rose, and exhaled as everything starts rushing through his mind.   He lost control too many times.  He did the unthinkable, he went against his own values, himself. No...he didn't have a dream, not any longer.  Restore hope with optimism and watch your life crumble into bits and hit the rock, hard hell.  He saw the future, he know things that somebody above will take care of everything.  Somebody who held control on his life.

Inhale what life holds for you now. 

 ***

He felt heat at his fingers and quickly looked down: the cigarette was almost done and seven minutes passed.  Seven minutes of thought, tossed and topped to the perfection, when it shattered by a call from reality, if that's what it's called.  

There he was, back into his old position.  Staring into the colourful screen, hoping to be inspired as he groaned as he knew what he was doing will patch up those little holes left in by life.  He started working, and writing and writing.  He wants to fill his brains with whatever the world can offer, taking his mind off life.

Somewhere out there, there has to be somebody like me.  He never understood relationships and he thought the never worked out.  Nobody ever fully understood him, not like we can understand people anyway. 

 ****

Every single day, outlooks changed and the future looked so uncertain.  How could he expected to lay out the rest of his life?  It never made sense to him.  Life is like the biggest multi task...what to do...what to do...

Dreams...what makes them so abstract?

Psh, dreams...false hope.

He was thinking of the conversation with his best friend the other day.  A certain truth was revealed to him.  He'd never thought that this could be possible....but he too, probably had a dream for life.

 *****

He wanted to call her.  He needed to talk.  He craved the comfort.  It was true, he did not know how to live without her existence.  But the other half of him tranquilized his emotions and held him down before he embarked onto a journey he would regret.

He wanted to escape.  Escape a beautiful life with an utopic dream...

Why?

Because dreams change, every single moment, along side with every single person who think about a simple thing like life.

He walked slowly towards the forest that night, leaving behind his dreams, his confusions, his emptiness as these motions transfered upon another person.   He crept slowly into the darkness and disappeared.  It wasn't until a week later when this other person realized that somebody was missing...or that something was missing.

******

†  

†i know where home is

†
*
Home
**

I prepare for a journey today, to a far, far place from where I am.  Who knows what will happen the next hours or days?  I grab only what I need and begin my travel to the lands away.  As I placed my earphones in gently in my ears, the music suddenly takes over.

You can't help but feel like dancing, but there's always people watching.  So I look ahead of me in calm and peace, hoping that things will go smoothly today.  I look at those who walk in pairs and pass me by, each smiling in content for whatever they say.

They smile in content and some even held hands.  It was a nice sunny day, so why not be joyful?

I turn my eyes on those who stand, alone with nothing but doubt in their eyes....waiting to get out of there.  Where should I go? they think, I just want to get out of here.

A friend's?  The library?  Where should they go?  Home?

***

Where is home?

****

I restart my journey from the pause, embarking into the hardest part of my route: sharing.  I despise doing so, especially when you don't get much in return.  But when all is well and what's shared is shared, there's a calm lingering as people refuse their share and leave...more for me?

It's amazing how peaceful things can get, especially on a bright sunny day like that.  Suddenly, she leaves.  A lady disembarks from our mutual journey, wanting to go home.

Home at last...After all, she was away for quite a long time.

But as she entered her apartment door, on the fourteenth floor, she lay herself on the couch and put her eyes down and gazed into the t.v. Finally home.  A moment of relaxing, when suddenly she realized...there was nobody else.  Isn't home supposed to be where I'm happy?  Why can't I be happy?  She inhaled and she questioned, and exhaled as she answered.  She really didn't know...and gazed at the window, exposing a blindness she quite desired...

I wonder how confused she was, it was her who left the journey, but it's not like we would've stayed anyways. I fail to recognize any signs of weakness when I saw her...but I guess she just isn't sure.

*****

What is home?

******

As I retired my journey, yet a bit too early, I really felt like giving up and going back.  But we'll never know what we never did, so I go on, but separately from those before.  As the sun shines, heating my head, my vision becomes blurred and my head turns.

I enter and find where I'm supposed to be, but I know that this is not the end.

I will wait for what is mine, but yes, my heart does get anxious.

A man looks straight ahead with pride and arrogance, seeing me dragging my shoes in front of him.  Get out of my way he wanted, but yet I did not know.  Stupid little kids act like they're older than they are.  Well things change with time.....at least I hope.

*******

Sometimes there's doubt about what home is, but as I returned to where I came from, I see familiar faces and my heart warms.  But I don't feel it; this isn't my home.  I know I can't go back even further, because changing history can be dangerous.  I fail to see the point of doin so anyway, as my memories are horrifying but lame.  I choose to wait and see, because home, I know, seems a bit, well...weird?

********

When is home?

*********

I gaze into the tv screen and realized I forgot.  I got up and asked him all sorts of question, it was expected, I was new at this place.  "Sorry, what do I do next?"  But I know that this is all just a dream, cause this setting seems so molded to me.  He says, "Don't worry about it, I got it covered."

It's weird how things happen all of a sudden, with nothing to worry about when I trust him to get it covered.

I start to worry myself as I realized there's a catch to this though, but yet I thought it was a dream.

So I let it go and things went smoothly, but a bit rocky at first.  It was all good though, because he got it covered.

After a nice day of work, I went back home to get changed and all nice.  It was then I received a call...I rushed there.

**********

It wasn't much of a problem, except getting there.  I woke up and I walked back home.  Seemed a lot faster than what I experienced before. I called her, "I think I lost it..."  We retraced our steps and tried to find it, but alas, I just wanted to drop.

I got home and took off my shoes.  Gently lay my head down and stare into space...not knowing if all that was just a dream or not.  I tried so many times but yet I failed.  Nothing seemed to work, and there was no avoiding it.

***********

I give up and no longer want to play.  Life continues to confuse me more, so I leave your puzzles behind.  Let me go, or I'll find my way.

*************
If you could,

show me home...

and no longer bring me here.

***************
†

†change is inevitable

†

I couldn't even see the street sign as I simply sat there...sat there beings squished by people who just pass...just wanting to get the fuck out of there. Random crowds come and stay but suddenly leave. It repeats...and it repeats.

Waves of people who get in and somebody that...just get out, discovering a whole new path ahead of them.

But for me, like the few left, I trust fate will leave me wherever I belong. I sit there and think about it all: about every single thing that might happen, that might change my feelings, that might bring me joy, that might anger me, that might realize it's myself who's one of the very few still going that road...

A few enter again...but not more than what leaves...

*

A girl, in her late 20s, held a chocolate cake, with a cherry topping that tip of the deliciousness, in her hands, had a rose-filled bag along her side, as she looked for somewhere where she might settle. She thought with worry and doubt for a moment and decided to place herself behind a middle-aged lady. I stare in wonder why she would carry a bag and a cake at the same time...

Suddenly, the lady with the dark red sweater vest beside me, turns and gives me the sweetest smile a middle-aged lady might give...and she parted, leaving me behind with her news. I see her smile immediately vanish, and her stern face reappear as she left me. Maybe she wasn't as bad as I thought?

**

My classmate see me from afar and smiles. I smile back, but she suddenly disappears as people start to blind us from one another. I could no longer find her eyes to talk, but only her back as she shield herself from the others. There was something specifically special about her though. She seemed like one of power, one of independence, but if you knew her, she wasn't that way.

Make up, poorly...or purposely, but on badly around her eyes. You couldn't understand her style, even if you knew her. Her hair defined feminism, her eyes meant pain...all I could get out of there at least. But now I can't even see what I think she means...the skulls appeared on her ears, and I realized that it was too late, I guess.

**

A boy, not much older than 19, looks at me an suddenly realizes that he, like me, too, can relax my body a little tonight. He moves up, and copies my style, removing the clogs of the world. In his ears, held incomprehensible storages of life...incomprehensible to us at least. I envied, in jealousy, the emitter of this incomprehensible life, as I too, wanted to understand my life.

***

A larger, older lady walks fiercely, but with a smile, towards me. Sits herself across the girl with the chocolate cake. They talk...then the larger lady realizes that blonde lady in front of the girl were friends. All three start talking, when the girl with the chocolate cake gets up and leaves her place behind....empty.

As a girl left, a increasing chatter came from in front of the larger lady. Three young people, all well under 20, smile with joy and chat about who knows what.

****

I wonder why they come and go. I ponder upon how they came to be. I wonder what development takes place in these cases. I fail to understand how change is something we must all go through.

It takes as little time as time could exist in to change a person's life.

We see others drift in the scene, and walk away from it. We never know what they'll look like the next time we see them...if ever.

What happened in the past that molded them?

What event, what words were said, what was done to them, what they have done to others?

We all try to adapt to society...but society is so abstract...How can we adapt to society, when we are the ones that define it?

*****

As the road ahead shaped itself so wildly, I had to leave, I had to get out of there before it was too late...

I call out...

I step out...

I walk away...

Only a few left on that passage, the red pulled away...but it had to stop soon. I watched it part from residence commons.

******

Back to reality.

"Hey..."

"Hey, how are you?"

"Pretty good...you?"

"Yeah, same."

We're pretty good to be like this when we can't even fully understand ourselves.

*******

Change...

†