You ask me, "What can separate us?". I failed to see what could. But now I laugh, it was so obvious wasn't it?
I gaze through the window as my train starting departing. I was leaving that beautiful day to somewhere where I could hope to call home. I am in discontent with where I live now. Do you ever wonder how many times people separate from each other?
Across my train was a public-transport line. It sped away much more quicker than my long-distance train...for some odd reason. I peer at the commuters, not one of the smiling; it sorta reminds me of you...to be brutally honest.
I tried smiling to one of them...bad idea. He gave me a death-stare, but she waved back. Kind of funny how humans function. Every person had a different reaction, some were even surprised to see me. I guess it was kind of cute.
I thought about it...o yes I did! I did not sleep and did not eat, just to figure it all out. I even thought it about it as the train was leaving...not a smooth ride. Every bump reminded me that I was the one leaving and all my mistakes. I don't remember if I was crying or not. The city was so pretty but I was so distracted....Sometimes I wonder if people are the same as me: once you think, your head just won't stop. So many ideas and networking in my brain, it's so confusing.
Do you ever wonder where birds fly to? They're always being chased by busy people just like me...Do you ever chase birds? I wonder if they ever fall in love...how could you fall in love if somebody's always trying to get rid of you?
It's strange how a human can even fall in love though. I honestly thought that everything was perfect between us. I just really don't understand what happened...Kind of funny how humans fall in love, most people don't even expect anything to last, so...why even bother?
It's really strange....did you really see that coming? I sure didn't, haha. Yeah, I really don't know why I'm laughing, it's not even funny. It's actually quite fucking scary and I want to be out of this state.
**
Do you remember that time I was standing in the storm? That's when I realized that...maybe it's all my fault?
It was a cold, windy day. I walked from there to the next place, wondering if life would ever pause for just one second. Everything seemed to change before I could even open my mouth and say anything. Kind of funny how the weather functions. You'll never know if the forecast was telling the truth until it actually happens.
Now, everything that reminds me of you makes me shudder. It's not even a bad thing, I'm just so afraid. You've probably never been afraid, have you? Everybody knew that you were like that, you must've known that you were like that yourself!
So, I'm asking...what separated us? I really don't know. So I traveled those lengths to try and "rediscover" myself...and what can I say? You were right all along, I am simply nothing...
***
When the night drew near, were you waiting for me? Did you ever tell yourself that I would come back? I'm sorry that I'm not even sure if I want to come back now. In fact, I'm not even sure if you would let me come back, I've been so bad...so bad.
Every city light turned off as I went by, because they knew. They knew everything about me, but they never understood. I think to myself every night if you even understand me. I'm still waiting for a response by the way...
You probably do remember...and yes I'm still waiting. I like to think that I have a little hope left. Kind of funny how I have hope left. It's so abstract I can't even explain it.
***
You probably heard, but one night as I went out for air to escape from everything, he appeared for company. He asked me why....I couldn't even answer.
Because I wasn't happy and I hated it? I guess I'm just so lost without you I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.
As I walked back to my room, I fell to the ground. While everybody rushed to help me up, he simply crouched down and looked me straight into the eye. His glare I could not decode...was it disappointment? Was it anger? Jealousy? Sympathy? Pity?
To this day, I still think about it. Kind of funny how things can linger in your heads forever eh. You can't really do anything about the past, but you keep thinking about it, keeping those fucking memories stuck up there. You try everything to erase it, but you can't do it unless your hurt yourself.
I still see him once in a while...I just really want to go up to him and say, "What the fuck man? I fall and all you do is glare?" But at the same time, I really want to know what that meant. It's amazing how many details the eyes bear...and it's amazing how much your eye movements can define so much. But I never saw separation from your eyes...Kind of funny...
Except...I have never seen your eyes
I could not see in the dark when I walked away. I could not see when I hid when I was scared. I can't explain how I could not see, I fail to comprehend not seeing. I still cannot see.
*****
I like sky scrapers, they magnify human accomplishments and developments in this world. Kind of funny how I think they're amazing when other people think they block the view of nature. It reminds me of you though, towering over me, watching every single thing I do. It scares me sometimes, but it's the truth.
But just like everybody else, I thought that I would be okay like this...
Too late to change anything now though...
Waiting for myself to find a way back to you...honestly...and I mean that in both ways, but I'm not ready yet.
******
Well, I guess this is goodbye. A lot of people seem to have a lot more to do than me, so I'll just go off and pretend that I'm alright and go on with my everyday business. There's stuff to file, stuff to fill out, stuff to study for, stuff to clean up.
The list just won't end now will it. But hey, I think I got it all figured out now! I hope I'm not the one to blame though.
Just like a caterpillar, I traveled thousands of meters, climbing on trees, surviving on whatever I could find. But one day I decided I wanted to reach for the stars, I went into a cocoon, changed into those nasty white moths that come out at night and separate myself. Once a morning crawler, now a night flyer. I can't even believe that it was that simple. Can you?
*******
Everyday, somebody disappears from my life and I won't even know it until it's too late. But it's kind of funny...isn't it? Tell me you think so.
So, ask me again, "What can separate us?" I tell you this now: everything. But you probably already knew that...didn't you?
********
†
As the earth revolves, countless lives are stolen for no reason for 'the sake of mankind'. As she woke up this morning, her dreams shattered into a million pieces, never to be put back together. As I speak now...her heart is broken as she watches him walk away, without the ability to do anything...anything at all. Stay in control, she told herself.
For me, life is just your first cigarette. At first, you will cough until you choke. You'll then proceed to try again...careful not to break the fragile cigarette and before you even get the hang of it, it'll be all over.
I would never want to have control - imagine all the pressure put on me if I was in control. I wouldn't even touch the dark powers that surround this globe.
I would never want to have control - imagine all the pressure put on me if I was in control. I wouldn't even touch the dark powers that surround this globe.
