Wake

"Snap out of it."

 The first thing heard in the morning.

"Come on!  Snap out of it."  But you won't snap out of it: wake up and face reality, it's going to happen eventually.

Everything's going to be okay, you try convincing yourself, everything's going to be okay...you hope.

As the cold air creeps up around the head, the body pulls itself towards what you hate most despite your unwillingness. Not today, you say.  Good job, move on.  Head towards the shower and before you enter, when the mind unclogs itself from your sleep, reality will hit you.

"STOP!" you tell the mind.  But it won't.  Suddenly, it attacks you: it sends chills downs the back until sweat starts building up from the feet to your hands in less than a second, pumps your heart so fiercely and your vision blurs so quickly the world spins, but what you hate most is that it triggers your heart and locks your thoughts into oblivion...

Seconds of sobriety, or flashbacks, really.  Not today, you remind yourself. Sitting on the bed, the mind lets you have one more chance before - you know - it lunges at you mercilessly.  You pick up your phone and you type four words with the hands: "Should I do it?"

Motionlessly sitting there, silence prevailed before a reply came: "Yes," the screen read.

As the struggles from the mind against your commands continue, the mind reminds you that reality continues even without you.

Fuck it, you say.  It's not worth it.


Good job, move on.  Except you can't.  The day waits and the mind knows this: it's your weakness.  Too late, the mind take control. Messages to the thumb and the index have already been received...

...the mind blurs your memory...

...and you wake up inhaling...exhaling...feeling a part of the body die while the mind smiles in content...

...the mind repeats its actions five more times...

You smile, knowing everything's going to be okay...for now.  Head towards the shower, but before you enter it, the bloodshot eyes shift on the mirror, yet the mind play games again.

"Who are you?" the mind asks.

I don't know...


"When are you leaving?" the mind asks.

I don't know...


"Why are you still here?" the mind asks.

Uncontrollably, back to the room, on the bed, hands busy again...

Stop it, please, I'm begging you. Feel cool metal pressed up against .your skin, waiting for the mind's command.

"Don't worry, everything will be okay," the mind reminds you and then...

...blur...

Nothing will be okay, you plead one more time before the mind injects more into the lungs...taking any hope away for you....

Dare you remember?  Sweat, smoke, blood and tears fill your vision before the mind flashes memories of reality reminding you there's no way out...

You accept; Good job, move on to the rest of your day...

"Remember to smile," the mind reminds you before leaving you alone.  "What they don't know can't affect them."

Let me go today please, you plead.  But the mind is already gone.

So, you put on a smile throughout the day and cover it all with plastic and lies.  Nobody will know, not even the closest ones

Why isn't anybody helping me?  you ask yourself, crying as the pains of reality submerge..

"Because nobody cares," the mind says after its return from its absence during the day, back to combat reality.

Drag yourself back with your head down, knowing both reality and the mind will consume you either way.

So, smile. Obey the mind.  Because there's no way out after you wake...either way.